Nobody's Dead. None of This Means Anything. I Wasted an Hour When All the Interesting Stuff Was in the Last 3 Minutes.

OK, I am so not in the mood to watch Smallville right now. I would much rather be watching The Office, but I said I would do this. I am nothing if not a woman of my word. There better be a kick ass fight scene and a shirtless Tom Welling. Rosenbaum should show some skin too. This would probably be better if I had been prepared with some alcohol. Let's just get this show on the road. Shall we?

There's a previously on Smallville. It illustrates just how much cooler the first half of the season was to the second.

Ooooo...Quebec. I bet even this is Vancouver. I liked the way you saw the red glow of Martian Manhunter's eyes before you saw him. It's an exorcism. Cool! Martian Guts! I see why this isn't working. You need a young priest and an old priest. It's Lex! He's got people with guns. And fwooosh! There goes the phantom!

I so love that the Clark/Zod mid-air cuddle from the season premier is in the credits.

I registered to play that Justice and Doom game, but I never even read any of the emails they sent me.

What is this Hidden Palms? Will it be very trashy? I could get on board a trashy summer soap, but it's gotta be very trashy. And campy.

Oh, Supernatural! There's the show I'm really looking forward to. Jensen Ackles is so pretty!

Lex is giving orders over the phone. Lionel tells him he looks worried. I miss Lionel's hair. If I were Lex, I would be worried too. His minions suck ass. Woah! Lex has security footage? I know they established that at the beginning of the season, but I figured they just forgot about it. Now Lana seems especially dumb. Dumber than usual even, because she knew about the security cameras too. Poor, poor deluded Lex. I know Lex is all evil, but he's just too pathetic.

Hey look! Someone remembers Jonathan. Have I ever mentioned how awful this Martha Kent, Senator thing is? She's never been elected to anything! The people of Kansas are being disenfranchised. Yes! Clark, move out of Smallville. Why are any of these people still in smallville. Grow the fuck up! Get a job! Go to school! Do something with your life! Wait. Who is going to take care of the farm if Clark doesn't? Y'know, they really should have given Martha Kent a better send off. Or something to do this year.

It's Lois, Lois Lane, general Sam Lane's daughter, the reporter, and that blond chick. OK, I admit to not paying that much attention to the last episode, but I do not remember Wes repeating a sequence of numbers. Do you? So Lois knows what happened to Chloe's mom? Does she know that Chloe's a meteor freak? Or that Lex abducted Chloe? This is lame. Also, when did Chloe start advocating backing down? And when did Lois get so smart? And if Lois knew about Chloe's mom, what was the point of the bullshit contrivance of having her know Wess Keenan? Shouldn't everything with Chloe and her mom have been enough for her to want to bring Lex down? This show fucking sucks!

A dam. No Beavers though. I like this scientist guy's voice. Y'know, if Lex and Clark had never broken up, Lex would have plenty of alien DNA. He'd just have to remember not to swallow. There's Lex's army of silver hot pants wearing super soldiers. Only Smallville could make that concept quite this gay, which is why I still kind of love this show sometimes.

What are the odds that FF2 will suck as bad as the first one? Seeing as Jessica Alba is still in it, I'm guess pretty good.

Oh, no. A Clana barn scene. Somebody save me from this crap. Well, at least they're not in the loft. Also, no crappy alt rock music. Superman loves destroying marriages. Yes, the most important thing for you to do is spend all your time protecting Lana, Clark. As much as I hate this, it's about fucking time Clark told Lana the truth. This blows. After all the fucking things they have done on this show, I have serious trouble believing Kryptonite could give Clark more than severe cramps. I get those once a month. He'll take some Midol, and everything will be fine. I don't see what the big deal is.

Good job, Clark. Beat up an old man. Hey, Martian Manhunter and Clark actually talked. Sort of.

Lexana confrontation. This fake baby plot makes no fucking sense. What kind of a monster is he? A really pathetic one. He wasn't even getting laid. It would have been much better if he was like, messing with the fetus, or impregnated her with a clone or something. See, I should be upset that Lex slapped her, but I'm not. He should have followed it up with beating her with a stick.

Martian Manhunter worked for Jor El? That's lame. And where the hell has MM been all these years if he's supposed to have been watching Clark? I bet he could have used his help fighting Zod?

Clark is using a computer! He can do that? Crazy! Right! Lana leaving Lex is completely on par with the super powerful phantom being on the loose. Oh, and Chloe gets to make that hurt face again. Just what I wanted to see.

Lois gets stabbed in the gut yet is still able to knock out the security guard. Of course. Good to know she hasn't actually become intelligent though. Everyone knows you don't pull the knife out. Dumbass. And why call Chloe, instead of say, I don't know 911? She did that in an "Arrow" also and I didn't get it then either.

Why did Lionel look upset that Lex hit Lana? Why does he care? I don't think I like good guy Lionel. Obviously he needs to grow his hair out again in order to get his mojo back. Maybe when his stint on Broadway is done.

Lana's car exploded! Notice how we didn't actually see her get in it. Damn it! I really wanted to enjoy that. I've enjoyed all her other deaths. The spoilers said we were supposed to see and arm. Where was the arm? Where was the ARM?! Did I mention that this show sucks?

My pretend husband is on the MLB O7 commercial. I can't fast forward through David Wright. Seeing him actually made me feel a little better. I think I'm ready to get back to the show now.

Lionel tells Clark about Lana's death because that's totally what he should be dealing with now. That phantom is completely unimportant. Tom Welling tries to cry. It's not of the good.

Lois is dead. It won't last. The good deaths never do. OH my GOD! I knew about the freaking healing tears and it actually managed to be even cheesier looking than I imagined. At least it wasn't green. It was supposed to be green originally. I'm not sure whether Chloe is near death or just catatonic there, but I can't even begin to tell you how pissed off I am that her freaking power is, on top of being a lame, passive one, something that almost freaking kills her. I've ranted about this a lot on line since I originally heard the spoiler, but it sucks. It sucks so much. I hate the fact that she gets victimized be her own freaking power.

Justice and Doom. Stuff happens. I can't read what's going on because I'm not wearing my glasses. I bet it would have been a lot more fun to see a show about that stuff though. Looks like it has superheroes. I wish this show had superheroes.

There's only 9 minutes left and there has been absolutely no action.

Now Lex is strapping little boys to tables. He went from Aquaman, to Cyborg, to Chloe, to this French Canadian kid. Is there no bottom to the depth of his depravity? What a perve. Oh, but the kid killed a guy! Too bad it was Lex's only competent and loyal minion. Still, I love seeing little kids kill people. That was awesome.

I would say it's nice that they named the dam after Christopher Reeve, but I'm not sure how much of an honor being associated with this show is anymore.

Clark goes to beat up another powerless mortal because of Lana. It's a good thing the phantom showed up. Otherwise Clark would probably be a murderer right now. Also, the world would be doomed, what with the phantom leaping from body to body every 24 hours. It'd take a long time, but I'm sure he would have gotten to everyone eventually, not to mention killed a lot of people along the way.

It's too bad the phantom couldn't stay in the little kid. I would have liked to see the Clark vs. little boy battle. Why did a big, silver Superman shield show when the phantom entered Clark?

Hey, it's a Clark double! The fun part of that is Tom Welling playing evil. He does it well. Of course we cut away from the fight to see Lex getting arrested for Lana's murder. I don't buy it. Lex is supposed to be really powerful. If they take forever to arrest actors, they are not going to arrest Lex this quickly. Also, she's not dead.

Great job there Lionel. You made him stronger. "I'm you, only a little more bizarre." Who writes these fucking crappy ass lines? Also, maybe it's just me, but I want my Bizarro to be more than just Clark with a better outfit. Woah! Woah! Did they just run at eachother at superspeed and bounce off one another? That's hilarious. Oh, and now Bizarro's flying away, and has somehow developed Bizarro face. That transition actually kind of looked like crap.

Is it wrong that I don't care how Lois, Chloe and Lionel get out of the dam that's about to collapse. I know they will, and I suspect that, much like in the season premier, they'll have to deal with it themselves since Clark will be off fighting another bad guy who can fly while he still can't. Stupid show. I just hope that in the season premier, Welling is actually wearing Bizarro makeup, instead of that crap CGI.

Well, that was more boring than anything else. There should have been more punching. I'm sure it would have been better had I not been completely spoiled, but it's really not my fault their writers throw there scripts out in public airports where anyone can find them. Stupid writers.