Can We Please Rethink All These Remakes?

According to this Dark Horizons article (which I found via Kryptonsite), there is a new, and rather horrifying, addition to the ever growing ranks of 80s films. Apparently the youth of the 21st Century simply could not survive without a version of Teen Wolf to call their very own.

That's right. They're remaking Teen Wolf.

I'm not even that pissed about this. I just don't get it, and I don't get it on a lot of levels. As much as I loved the movie as a child - a love supported entirely by the universal appeal Michael J. Fox had to all little girls and the typical lack of taste associated with my age at the time and the decade - it's not a very good movie. It's actually a pretty bad movie. It's certainly a bad werewolf movie. He doesn't even kill anyone.

Now, I have long said that the best remakes are the ones that take movies with good ideas and bad executions, and do them better. The 2001 version of Ocean's 11 is a prime example of a great remake. The original film, could have been good, but aside from having the coolest cast ever (I'm talking the entire Rat Pack and then some), it has nothing much to offer. I don't even think I've ever been able to sit through the whole thing. The remake, on the other hand, has an equally high profile, if far less cool, cast, plus a fun and exciting script and a director at the top of his form. (I always find it ironic that the 2001 Ocean's 11 is what I always use as an example of a remake that should be made, while Ocean's 12 is always one of my examples of sequels that should never have been made.) Well, I would agree that Teen Wolf had a poor execution, but I'm not even sure it was a good idea. Even if it was a good idea, it's certainly not an original idea.

In case you don't remember, I'll give you a rundown of what Teen Wolf was about:

• Awkward and unpopular teen develops an ability that suddenly makes him popular
• Teen lets sudden popularity go to his head
• Teen becomes a total jerk and neglects his true friends for his current gang of hanger ons
• Teen learns valuable lessen, fights bully, reconnects with dorky unpopular friends and ditches his hot and popular girlfriend for the the cute and loyal best friend who has always had a crush on him.

I saw the 2000s' version of this movie. It's called Sky High, and it's actually really good. You should rent it. Not being a teenager anymore, I don't watch as many teen movies as I used to, but I'm willing to bet Sky High is the only movie from this generation with that exact same plot either. So why exactly do we need a remake of Teen Wolf? What exactly could be the appeal of such a movie in light of the fact that there are so many others like it?

Oh right, the Teen Wolf remake is going to be about a girl. That makes all the difference. I hope it stars Amanda Bynes, because I just don't think anyone else could pull of such a unique role. Except for maybe Hilary Duff, or Ashlee Simpson. It's deffinitely time for her to make her big screen debut. She might have trouble grasping the concept of ADR though, since it's pretty much the opposite of lipsynching.

It just seems to me that if they really wanted to do yet another variation on this theme, they could have done it without remaking yet another mediocre 80s film. Is everyone in Hollywood so creatively bankrupt that they couldn't come up with a different ability for this girl to develop? Couldn't she become psychic or turn into a gazelle or anything other than becoming a werewolf (or a witch, because that's been done too). I have to admit though, considering how much hair removal is associated with a girl's coming of age, the idea of a teenage girl that becomes popular because of some rather extreme hair growth amuses me to no end. Time to throw out those pink razors, girls.

On a sidenote, poor Tom Welling. Is he doomed to a film career that consists entirely of crappy remakes? That's too bad. Surely anyone who can manage to make Smallville's version of Clark Kent even remotely likeable (and Tom Welling's really had his work cut out for him the past couple of weeks) deserves better than this? He's not even the star of this one. Oh God, and I certainly hope they aren't going to try and pass him off as a teen. The nineteen or twenty he's supposed to be on Smallville is ridiculous enough. Seeing him in a high school would be enough to produce giggle fits.

Edited to add that it appears that the Tom Welling connection is just one of those vicious internet rumors. I'm relieved.

The Name's Plissken!

So, it's announced a while ago that a remake of Escape from New York is going to be made with 300's Gerard Butler as Snake Pliskin. Well, now I've found this Q&A with Kurt Russell on EW.com. Basically, Kurt's not happy about it, which I would normally dismiss as an overly developed sense of entitlement, and that's exactly what a lot of his comments are. After all, everyone's movies are getting remade. Why should his roles be sacred? And is he actually getting pissy over the fact that The Thing is being remade? The version of The Thing he was in was a remake. So yeah, get over yourself Kurt Russell. But also, you're absolutely right Kurt Russell.

That doesn't make much sense. Does it? Let me explain.

I don't really think that actors have much of a right to complain about their movies being remade. I certainly don't think that a guy who stared in the remake of The Poseiden Adventure has a right to complain about it. I think it sucks that so many remakes are being made, but if Hollywood will let Gus Van Sant do a crappy remake of Psycho, then I hardly think the works of John Carpenter should be off limits. However, certain roles simply cannot be recreated. Do you really think that any other actor could fill the shoes of Harrison Ford as Han Solo or Indiana Jones? And I know I would have absolutely no interest in the Evil Dead remake if we had not already been assured that there will be no character named Ash. Now, Kurt Russell is no Bruce Campbell, but he's absolutely right in that he is Snake Plisken. I love Gerard Butler - he's sexy and cool and talented and totally reminds me of Sean Connery - but, as hot as he might look in an eye patch, I am not going to see that movie. I'll wait until someone casts him in a remake of Outland or Darby O'Gill and the Little People.

Although, if the movie turns out to be really awesome, like the Dawn of the Dead remake that I refused to see and then saw and it was awesome, I will completely reverse my opinion on this.

So, what characters do you think couldn't possibly be recreated by different actors?

Scout Attacks! week 4: Hells Bells

This week's comic book post is 100% free of that guy who you know I don't like but whose name I won't mention because then this post wouldn't be 100% free of him.

52 Week 46: Mad scientists are fun, and whoever came up with the excellent idea of putting them all on an island should be given a raise or something. I have to assume that the writers are going somewhere with Veronica at this point, since Black Adam completely over looked her and she just wandered off. Considering the population of the island, the DCU could probably use a cool, femal mad scientist. It was also pretty sweet the way Morrow spent the whole issue bidding on-line and then took out Black Adam by himself, with a remote control. I feel bad for Black Adam though. I'm still rooting for him to kill 'em all. Also, Lex obviously just established reasonable doubt right before his arrest, which I think explains how he was found not guilty at the beginning of the "Up, Up and Away" Superman arc.

Birds of Prey #104: This was seriously fun. I think I'm going to have to get the Villains United and Secret Six trades. I'm really loving Barda too. The Huntress and Catman interaction was great too. I'm looking forward to more of that. When the first issue in an arc includes licking and meatball throwing, you just know things are going to be wild. The last page was apparently pretty major, but since I am new to the DCU, I have no clue about any of that. Someone's not dead any more, which is nice for her fans, and bad for people who hate it when comics bring people back to life. I just like good stories and characters. I wish I knew who the guy on the motorcycle was too. As much as I love this title, somethimes I get confused because I don't know the characters, but things tend to clear up pretty quickly, so I'm not bothered by it.

Detective Comics #830: I had completely forgotten that this was going to be the continuation of the story in #829 and not a Dini story. That probably says something right there. It was entertaining enough, but I would really like it if writers, and not just comic book writers but all writers, would just stop wrapping up their lame politically topical stories with trite lessons on how we should all just get along. Anyway, Batman saves the day, the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight falls to his death and cliched lessons that were taught better by Sesame Street ensue. Cool cover though. Next issue, we get Dini back, and he's bringing Harley Quinn with him. I knew he wouldn't have been able to do the entire run without her.

X-Men First Class #7: Man I love this book. Even this issue, which was probably my least favorite of them all, just put a huge smile on my face. I think this may have been the first issue that directly references events from the early comics, which is cool. Another nice touch was how every time anyone mentioned The Brotherhood of Mutants, Bobby would interject "Evil" at just the right point. As for the plot, it centers around Angel and Scarlet Witch and their ill fated romance, or rather ill conceived, since they are very obviously wrong for eachother. Anyone could tell you that a rich boy, like Warren, and an orphaned gypsy with a domineering brother, like Wanda, just aren't going to work out long term. Their both really pretty though, so their pairing makes perfect sense in that teenage sort of way. It's cute, but of course Pietro does not approve and a certain amount of chaos ensues and a playground gets destroyed. It's all OK in the end though, because Bobby saves the day by with snow and ice slides for everyone to play with. More comics should end like that.

Amazing Spider-Man #539: This is the book I've been waiting a long time for, as there's been so much hype for the return of the black costume being more than just a gimmick even though he's been wearing the black costume in all his other titles and nothing has changed in how Spider-Man is being written. Let me just say from the start that it is just a gimmick, and there are a few key points that make that so completely clear. There's just no way I can buy Peter simply hiding his black costume at the top of a building, and even if I could, I certainly cannot buy it being held there by his webbing for so long. That stuff only lasts for a couple of hours before it dissolves. Did Peter make special long-lasting web fluid just to stick the costume up there? It's just too huge a contrivance. As contrivances go though, it's pretty damn effective. I may not be able to buy the set up that allowed for Peter to put the black costume back on, but I certainly believe the motivation for it. That's the important thing though, and it's what is going to make this storyline work. Reading this issue, I was reminded of why I do really like Straczynski writing Spider-Man. While some of his stories have been downright terrible, and many are just forgettable, he just really gets this character. I think the only time I had a huge problem with his characterization was during the whole debate over whether to unmask or not, and that was mostly just because Gwen Stacy did not come up once. This is much more of the Peter I was expecting to see after Aunt May got shot. (Now we just have to get all the other writers to stop writing him as if nothing has happened.) I think Garney's art was especially good in this issue too. I love the cover, and I'm not even really a big fan of the black costume. (I'm a traditionalist.) The one thing I don't get is how they could name this whole event after an AC/DC song. Is that really a good way to get taken seriously? I wouldn't think so, but I figured I'd give it a try too.

That's all for this week. I don't have any happy news to finish up with this week, but I bought Justice League Unlimited season 2 and Batman Beyond season 3 on DVD today and finally got to see 300 today, so I'm pretty happy.

Scout Attacks! week 3: Iron Isn't Just His Suit, It's His Cross

Please tell me I don't have to explain that title. Sorry the reviews are late this time around, but I was doing other stuff. Also, I had to write them over the course of two nights.

Superman #660: I could have done without this issue. It was entertaining enough, but I certainly wouldn't have missed it if I had...uh...missed it. I didn't really like the art either. Also, the page where the Prankster dumped the money all over the city with his picture on it reminded me of the 1989 Batman movie. "I want my face on the $1 bill."

New Avengers #28: Luke Cage is awesome. Jessica Jones is even awesomer (it's totally a word). Even Wolverine knows this to be true. Speaking of whom, why is he even there? He's a mutant. This whole Registration Act thing doesn't apply to him. Dr. Strange is OK, but not nearly as awesome as he is in Brian K. Vaughn's Dr. Strange: the Oath. Spider-Woman is, sadly, kind of dumb in this issue, but I guess I can't blame her for wanting to believe her best friend. The pro-Regs pull the most despicable stunt to capture the New Avengers in this issue. Really. Explain to me how they are not evil. Also, the whole flashback to explain how they got out of America is still leaving a lot of questions unanswered. How did the New Avengers end up hanging out at Dr. Strange's house? How and why did Jessica Jones and the baby get back from Canada? Can someone explain to me, a person who is completely unfamiliar with Iron Fist, if this guy has a distinct personality? He traditionally hangs with Luke Cage, right? That means he has to be cool, but I'm not getting any sense of who he is here. Another problem is that despite the fact that black isn't just supposed to be Spider-Man's costume, it's his mood, he's being written exactly the same. I feel like he should be more angry. I don't mind the humor, because he's Spidey and he's going to mask the pain with humor. It's what he does, but I feel like that sense of anger should be coming across too. Also, where's MJ? I suppose she might be sitting at Aunt May's bedside (it would certainly be nice if someone were), but she's just as likely to get arrested as Peter is, if only as a way to get to Peter. I still think it would have been way better if, instead of this whole Aunt May getting shot thing, they did a story where Peter sent Aunt May and MJ to Canada to hang out with Jessica and the baby. I would have totally bought that Civil War tie-in mini series. It would have been like the Odd Couple, except with hot chicks instead of Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, a stern but loving Aunt character, and a baby. Hell, they should pitch that to NBC for a fall 2007 sit-com. My last little gripe is that, while I really like Leinil Yu's art, all his women look exactly the same. It doesn't help that three of them even have the same hair color. I think that an artists ability to draw distinctive looking women should be taken into account when choosing one for a team book, but then I guess Marvel would have to find new artists for both their Avengers titles.

52 Week 45: How pimpin' is that cover? JG Jones rocks! Is it just me, or does Bruno Manheim look like Josef Stalin? I should have scanned a picture and included it here, but I'm far too lazy. Just trust me. He looks like Josef Stalin. That just makes me think of the Josef Stalin from "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account. "THUMBS UP FOR EVIL!" I hope at the end of 52, Manheim runs off with Tuun-La. This hasn't really been a review of the comic, has it? Oh well. I still say "Kill 'em all, Black Adam!"

Fables #28: I think this may have been one of my least favorite issues of Fables ever, not that that really means much, since I still really enjoyed it. It's just a bit underwhelming after that last, absolutely stellar, story arc. Also, sometimes I just feel like Bigby suffers a bit too much from Wolverine Syndrome. He's getting to be too cool. Too unbeatable. I think it's time for him to get his ass kicked, just so the readers don't get too secure in his supremacy at everything. I also think it's time for Snow to do something other than worry about Bigby and/or her cubs. (What? That's what they are.)

Wonder Woman #5: While I'm still pissed about how all the delays have screwed this book over, and that we're not getting the final part of the Heinberg/Dodson story, I'm really glad DCU manned up and gave us something here. I enjoyed the story quite a bit too. I know they're a comic book cliche, but I always enjoy stories about how a superhero can make a difference not just through their actions, but also through the example they set for others. If we are supposed to believe these characters are inspirational figures, then every once in a while that idea needs to be reaffirmed by actually showing them inspiring others. I loved seeing how Diana empowered those women. I'm a bit confused by the ending, since this was supposed to be a one-shot fill in story, but I like the moral complexity of the stories they are telling in this series. And we still got a Dodson cover, despite the fact that they didn't do the interior art. It's gorgeous.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 #1: I'm going to try and post something a bit more in depth about this, so for now I will just leave it with my one word review: AWESOME!

Did you expect it to be anything else?

Civil War: The Confession: And now we return to the continuing adventures of Iron Fascist... I know I said I didn't want to ever buy another comic with him in it again, but I saw the preview pages for this and I wanted to see Captain America bitch him out. It made me very happy. Cap's characterization here was a bit too Ultimized, but I don't mind. Iron Fascist was being a total asshole. I do have to admit though, that when Bendis writes Tony Stark, I like him a lot more than in any of the other characterizations I have read during this whole thing. He's still the bad guy, but he's a sympathetic bad guy, like the way some authors write Magneto. He's wrong, but I get why he's doing it, and I can sympathize with what he must be feeling about this whole thing. (It's a good thing I read this before New Avengers though, because what him and the rest of the pro-Regs did in that issue really killed my sympathy.) Still, I'm sure the fact that Tony didn't take a drink through this whole thing would have been cold comfort to Cap, y'know, if Tony had mentioned it to Cap when he was alive. Something that did bother me was Iron Fascist's reiteration of Joe Quesada's standard party line that he knew he'd be the bad guy because everyone roots for the underdog. That's not why I think he's the bad guy. It's the Machiavellian tactics that make him the bad guy. Last I checked, heroes don't normally believe that the ends justify the means, and Tony admitting that it wasn't worth it now is completely meaningless unless he does something to make it right.

OK, as I do every week, I'd like to end on a positive note. X-Men First Class is going monthly in June! Believe it or not, this mini series has been my favorite X-book for the last few months. It's fun and refreshing, and it shows how wonderful those original characters were before crappy storylines ruined them. Jeff Parker won my heart when I read this article, where he said, "And frankly I want to show that Scott Summers is not a dick." (I know he's not a dick, Jeff, mostly because I pretend the Morrison run never happened. I'm pretty good at it too, until I see that Beast looks like a cat. Stupid Morrison!) Best of all, it has Marvel Girl! I miss Jean so much.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I'm not Irish, and I'm not even particularly fond of St. Patrick's Day, but I simply cannot let the day pass without watching The Quiet Man. Every time I watch it, I long to visit the Emerald Isle. It's one of my favorite films of all time, and in my opinion, it's probably the best performance that John Wayne ever gave. There's so much subtlety to it, and Shawn Thornton so completely different from any other character he ever played. It's also one of John Ford's finest films, which is saying a lot, since he has to be one of the greatest directors of all time. Maureen O'Hara is wonderful too - beautiful and strong. I think I like the supporting characters the best though. Whether they be yelling like Protestants or giving Shawn a branch to beat his wife with, they're all so funny and interesting, they make me wish I lived in Inishfree. Most importantly though, it features the best fight scene in film history:

Scout Attacks! week 2: Just Because I Haven't Read It, Doesn't Mean I Don't Have an Opinion On It

It's that time of the week again, comic book reviews from my pull list. YAY! You're excited right? And after that, I've got some assorted other comments. It was a light week. So, let's get to it. I'll start with the big one...

Captain America #25: OK, so I didn't actually read this one. My comic book shop was sold out by the time I got there. I tried to avoid spoilers until I was able to get my hands on a copy, but that proved impossible. This is why I hate when comic book stuff gets mainstream media attention. All those people who give me weird looks on the train for reading comics start thinking that something is going to be worth money and they buy up my damn comic books and plaster the events all over CNN.com. Look people, he's coming back. Still, I'm going to go on record as saying it sucks. I know what you're going for Marvel. Death of liberty, blah, blah, blah. I know I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. This is not why I read superhero comics!

Mighty Avengers #1: I didn't read this one either. I was going back and forth on buying it. I really wanted to see the return of thought bubbles. Honestly. That was why I wanted to read it. I think thought bubbles are cool. If I ever write a comic book, it's going to have thought bubbles. Finally, after deciding that I was in fact going to buy it, after reading several good reviews, I was about to pick it off the rack and then I saw Iron Man. I don't think I will ever be able to read a comic with that guy in it again.

Justice League of America #6: Wow! It's hard to believe it's been six issues already. Let me rephrase that. It's hard to believe that so little actually happened in this whole six issue story line. What were there? Three issues of Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman sitting around a table gossiping about the other superheroes? It's not so much that I didn't enjoy it the storyline. I did. I just think it could have been told in three issues. As it is, for everything that happened, everything's back at zero, so the whole thing seemed kind of pointless anyway. I really felt sorry for Red Tornado though, so he at least has earned my good will for a while. I'm still not sold on the other characters, especially Vixen. She lost me in the first when she walked into a trap because The Question sent her a note and she though he wanted a date. That was just dumb. Since then she has mostly just confused me. I did appreciate that there was less of the characters calling eachother by their first names in this issue, but I think that was more for lack of characters actually addressing eachother. I wish Meltzer would cut back on the narration also. I hope he doesn't do that in his Buffy Season 8 storyline. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm fairly neutral on this book. I'll keep reading in the hopes for more cool Black Canary stuff.

Detective Comics #829: How come the fill in writer gets to break the stand alone story rule? Or did I miss something and did Dini finish his run? Anyway, this wasn't that great. I can't help but feel that stories like this are a bit misguided. It was OK though. The pacing was good and the tension pretty high. It was nice to know the context for Simone Bianchi's cover. Liquid explosives. Right. I never would have guessed that. It looks kind of...pornographic. Eh, that's pretty much the most interesting thing about this issue.

52 week 44: Page two and there's the half eaten corpse of the cripple kid. Nice. Then there's some really cool action. Well, first Sobek turns out to be one of those villains who won't shut up. Fortunately, Black Adam kills him. (were we supposed to feel bad for him when we saw the pain induced fear? Sense his humanity and therefore the wrongness of Black Adam killing him? Didn't work.) Then there's some really cool action. Black Adam takes out the Four Horsemen of Apokalips, but not before Isis gets taken out by Pestilence. I knew that was going to happen eventually, but I'm still disappointed. I really liked Isis. Anyway, before she dies, Isis reverses her anti-killing stance and tells Black Adam to avenge her and Osiris. Personally, I'm not one of those people who think that superheroes should be allowed to kill people, but when the bad guys are forming a crime based religion and are capable of starving out an entire country, then they go and kill Black Adam's newfound family, it's rather hard to argue against it. I'm totally on Black Adam's side in the upcoming World War III thing. I probably won't read it, but I'm still pulling for him. Kill 'em all, I say. Also, Rene Montoya gets handed The question mantle, but that's a foregone conclusion and not very interesting. Another amazing cover by JG Jones too. That's always worth pointing out.

I found this, which expresses something that I felt pretty strongly about from Civil War #7. I would just add that, coming after Tony Stark telling Maria Hill to get him coffee, I didn't take kindly to him calling (I can never remember this character's name) the mother of the kid who died at Stanford "sweetheart." It's jarring too, since it does seem so blatantly out of character for Tony. That doesn't make me hate him or this story, or Mark Millar's writing, any less though. I know I'm in the minority here, but I think Maria Hill is a great character. I don't like the things she does, or how she acts, but I think it was really interesting that she was a woman doing a man's job. She was acting the way she had too, and she didn't get any respect for it. The institutionalized sexism that she was up against was obvious, and I was disappointed that she willingly gave up her position in New Avengers #25. Now I think maybe it was Bendis' way of letting the character he created go out with some dignity. Too bad Millar took it away with one stupid line.

Newsarama has a report up on two panels from WonderCon: "Girls Kick Ass!" and "Gender and Genre." There was some pretty interesting stuff said, and I think Phil Jimenex especially made some interesting points. It makes me a bit upset that I have never read any of his stuff, especially on wonder Woman. That's what trades are for though, right?

Also from Newsarama, according to their report on the WonderCon '07: DCU: Great Expectations Panel, it looks like I am going to have to start reading Green Arrow soon, since Black Canary and Green Arrow are going to get engaged. I read somewhere else that the title of the book was going to change to Green Arrow and Black Canary, or something like that. I'm glad. Marvel should have done that for Storm when she married Black Panther. (Storm is the better known character, after all.) I just hope Judd Winick writes her well. He was at the "Girls Kick Ass!" panel, so I guess he at least cares about writing female characters well. Gail Simone mentioned in a recent interview that they asked her to co-write the series. That would have been awesome, but she didn't think she could do that and continue to write Birds of Prey. Obviously, someone needs to clone Gail Simone, or get some more women writing comic books. I'd be happy with either.

Also mentioned at that panel is Frank Miller's Holy Terror, Batman. They're actually letting him do his Batman vs. Osama Bin Laden story? Is Dan DiDio on crack? That was possibly the worst idea I had ever heard. (Well, it was the worst idea I had ever heard until Spider-Man: Reign #3 and Spidey's deadly sperm. Now the two ideas are duking it out for which is more offensive. Misogyny versus the degradation of the efforts of the men and women in America's armed forces. Who will win? It's tough to say, since Andrew Kaare threw the obvious image referencing of 9/11, but knowing Miller's penchant for making all women whores, it could go either way.) I'd like to think that comic book fans are better than that, and that they will avoid this like the plague. Then I remember that people are buying Spider-Man: Reign, All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder, Civil War, and any number of insulting books. I can't begin to tell you how ashamed I am of my hobby lately.

Wizard has a story about Buffy Season 8, where they talk to the writers of the first three arcs (Whedon, Brian K. Vaughn and Jeph Loeb) where Jeph Loeb shares this bit of information: "There were times I enjoyed 'Angel' more than I enjoyed 'Buffy.' That may just be a male thing; sometimes Joss’ feminist manifesto would get to me, whereas 'Angel' was just a big rollicking detective show with great characters." And this is why I can't get any really great female characters in comic books, people. I think that what Whedon did with his representation of women was great, and a real step in the right direction, but I would hardly call it a "feminist manifesto." I'd be disappointed, but then I remember that he spent years writing Lana Lang on Smallville.

Finally, since I always like to end on a happy note. I am really excited about the upcoming Superman: Doomsday and New Frontier animated direct to DVD movies. (I'm tired of finding the appropriate links, so you'll have to do that yourself.) Bruce Timm's involved, so I really don't think I'm going to be disappointed about them either. It is going to be a bit weird to hear new voices out of all the characters, though. I'll especially miss Kevin Conroy as Batman and Clancy Brown as Lex Luthor, but I do find the voice casting that has been announced already very interesting. With Adam Baldwin as Superman, James Marsters as Lex Luthor and David Boreanaz as Hal Jordan, it's clear that Timm's love of the Whedonverse carries on. Now if we could just get Bruce Timm and Joss Whedon to work on a project together, it would be the best thing ever.

Scout Attacks! week 1: Iron Man Is Everywhere and He's Out to Get You

For a while now I have been meaning to do a weekly commentary on the comic books I read. It hasn't happened for a variety of reasons, the first being my extreme laziness and the second being that I haven't been reading my comic books in a timely fashion. All that is going to change now, so here it goes:

Wolverine #51: It is unbelievable how bad this crap is. No, wait. Bad isn't the right word. It's boring. Jeph Loeb has managed to craft the single most boring Wolverine story I have ever read, and considering the fact that Wolverine is in practically every book that Marvel publishes, that is saying something. I'd also like to point out that here Wolverine can remember a ton of details from an attack Sabertooth made on the X-Men that he wasn't even there for, but in the last issue he couldn't seem to recall that Sabertooth didn't actually rape and murder Silver Fox because it was an implanted memory. She turned up, alive and well, and with a big ol' chip on her shoulder (only to be killed again, naturally), a fact that took me less than five minutes to confirm. (Check it out.) This is actually worse than the stuff that had me originally stop reading this title. In retrospect, Wolverine's powers of total regeneration don't seem that bad. Simone Bianchi's art is awful pretty though. I will give this book that. It's just not pretty enough for me to want to pick up #52.

52 Week 43: Dude! Was that necessary? Really? It's not that this week wasn't good. It was very good. I had started reading 52 because The Question was going to be a major player in it, but Black Adam's story has really been one of the big reasons why I continued reading it. I had never even heard of Black Adam before Infinite Crisis, yet I have really invested in his character, and his new family, Isis and Osiris. Osiris' death has by far been the most impactful on me of all the many deaths there have been in this series, and that includes The Question, the only character I came into the series with and prior knowledge of or interest in. However, the fact that Osiris died is not what I have a problem with, nor do I have a problem with the manner of his death. The fact that he was betrayed by his best friend, coupled with the fact that he was such an honestly good person, was what made it so heartbreaking. And Sobek's reveal as Famine, the fourth Horseman of Apokalips, was, while extremely shocking, actually something that seems heavily foreshadowed in retrospect. though the writers cleverly masked that foreshadowing by making it seem like Sobek's perpetual hunger was merely part of his schtick as comic relief talking alligator. I have a problem with two pages of Sobek graphically chomping away at a cripple kid. Not cool guys. Not cool at all. Also, really, really gross.

Eternals #7: Storywise, this miniseries has been all over the place, but I thought Gaiman pulled it back together and made the whole thing worthwhile here at the end. I actually look forward to seeing some of these characters turn up in the future, especially Ikaris. It doesn't matter though. The real reason why this miniseries was worthwhile was John Romita Jr.'s art. Amazing stuff. Makkari speeding through the Deviants. Ikaris touching down for a landing. He captures movement so well. I'm not the type of person who normally gushes about art, because I know nothing about it, but it's hard not to notice when it's this good. My major complaint is that I could have done without the Tony Stark appearance. Must his smarmy ass show up everywhere?

Action Comics #846: That's a hell of a lot of Kryptonians. Anybody else getting the feeling that this is going to be awesome? I read this stuff, and I wonder why I never started reading Superman comics before. After all, I'm also reading Superman and Superman Confidential now and think they're pretty great too. Then I remember that I have picked up Superman comics at several points in the past and thought they were boring. Clearly what was lacking was Zod. I just hope Supes doesn't get out of the Phantom Zone by getting a cheesy looking crystal from a chick named Raya. (It's actually pretty interesting to me how closely a lot of these ideas are to the events of Smallville's season 5 finale and season 6 premiere, except with much better execution.) There's also some nice Lois, Clark and Christopher moments in there. I loved Lois telling Christopher that he couldn't meet Batman until he was 16 and Wonder Woman until he was 18. Considering she doesn't know the kid all that well yet, I think it best to hold off both meetings until he's 21. I'm still not hugely impressed with Adam Kubert's art on this series. It just doesn't seem like a good fit for Superman. Maybe if the Kuberts switched. Put Andy on Action and Adam on Batman. I don't know.

Doctor Strange the Oath #5: I had no idea Dr. Strange was this cool? Or did Brian K. Vaughn make him this cool? I mean, I always liked Dr. Strange, but he's completely awesome in this series. All the characters and the relationships between them were so fully realized. This series had everything I could want in a superhero comic book: fun, excitement, some really amazing visuals, friendship, romance, heroics, an interesting and well developed plot, nobody getting eaten or being a fascist or complete idiot, and best of all, no Iron Man. And again, I don't normally gush about art, but Marcos Martin is great. I will definitely be looking for titles with his name on them in the future. I read that BKV said at his NYCC panel that he was supposed to do another Dr. Strange mini, but it's not going to happen because Bendis is using the character now. (He's a member of the new New Avengers.) That sucks. Dr. Strange sits out Civil War only to join the underground resistance movement? Dumb. Dr. Strange hangs out with Night Nurse and Wong and is just an all around arrogant badass? Awesome. Which would you rather read?

Runaways #24: This series is not going to be the same without Vaughn and Alphona. Vaughn has a real gift for creating these characters' voices. As for Alphona, other artists have filled in for him, but it's never quite the same. They went out on a high note though. There were so many great moments, that it's hard to really single anything out, but Molly and Victor's version of the Fastball Special was certainly a highlight. I'm even going defend the appearance of Iron Man at the end, because as the current ultimate authority figure of the Marvel Universe, there's no one better to send our Runaways back on the run. I also appreciated what they did with Xavin in the last couple of issues. I was one of those readers who had a problem with the character and his relationship with Karolina, but what they have shown us in the last two issues is that Xavin's just another confused kid. I thought the panel of Xavin lying on the ground, long hair, skrull chin, Human Torch arm and Thing leg, with Molly, the voice of reader unease, finally giving him/her her acceptance was the perfect way to punctuate what they had to say about this character. And a gender confused superhero? That's progressive. Finally, I loved how the story was brought full circle with Nico threatening to rip one of the teammates heart's out if he ever betrayed them, the fight against the Gibborim, and, of course, Alex on the final page quoting Pat Benetar. Vaughn and Alphona are going to be missed, but at least Whedon is a worthy successor and the preview pages for #25 look awesome.

Civil War Frontline #11: If I ever buy a big event comic crossover again, I want someone to kick me in the head. Repeatedly. It will have the same effect and won't cost me as much money. I thought Civil War #7 was awful, with it's bad political analogies, mischaracterizations, and just generally terrible dialogue. (That letter from Reed to Sue may have been worse than the one from Sue to Reed. I'm pretty sure that, smartest man in the world or not, Reed is still a human and not a robot. And the exchange between Reed and Spidey? Reed: "Amazing!" Spidey: "Spectacular!" Me: Vomit!) This may have made it worse. Joe Quesada and Mark Millar both insist that Tony Stark was sincere in the last pages of that issue, to me, he came off as anything but. If sincerity was what Millar was going for, he did a piss poor job. At best he was smarmy and arrogant. At worst, he was a blatantly evil, misogynistic fascist. (And it totally seemed like he was trying to get in the grieving widow's pants.) I've read a couple of reviews for Frontline and a few of them held it up as an attempt to somewhat redeem Tony. I don't agree. While it certainly supported his sincerity, he's still the bad guy. After a ton of build up, we learn the not at all surprising truth that Tony Stark was the traitor. Apparently, Tony Stark manipulated events to start the Civil War, built a big ass prison for criminals in the Negative Zone, but used the non-registered heroes as his guinea pigs, and instigated a war with Atlantis in order to up the registration's ranks. That's in addition to sicking a bunch of psychopathic criminals on his friends and creating a cyborg clone of Thor who blew a freaking hole in Goliath. Then, Ben Urich and Sally Floyd applaud Tony for making the tough choices, isolating himself from his friends and allies through his unpopular actions, and just generally being a hero because he did it all for the greater good. Essentially, it's complete and utter bullshit. Circumventing democracy and using Machiavellian tactics, even if it is with the best of intentions, does not make him a hero. It makes him a dictator.

Don't even get me started on Sally Floyd and her tirade at Captain America that he's out of touch with the American people because he doesn't know what MySpace is or who won the last American Idol. Do even the most shallow and ill-informed people really think that NASCAR is relevant to society as a whole, and if they do, are those really the people we want to be conforming our entire society to? People who make arguments that people are ill-qualified to make a political, moral or societal judgments because they aren't up to date on the latest pop culture phenomena should be beaten with sticks. And that's coming from someone who maintains a blog dedicated to popular culture proudly entitled "These Things Matter." Ben Urich is no better. A character I used to like and respect, who is supposedly a legitimate journalist, is willing to just sweep all of this under the rug. The worst part of all of this is that the Registration Act isn't actually solving anything. Bad guys are still going to attack. Cities are still going to get destroyed in the ensuing battle. Nothing is actually going to change because if any of Tony Stark, Reed Richards and Hank Pym's 100 ideas actually prove effective, there won't be any more stories to tell. It's idiotic and contrived. This is the worst kind of story telling and Millar and Quesada, and the other yahoos at Marvel actually think they have put something into the world that makes a statement about our society, and there may be people out there who believe that, but i can't believe that any of those people actually have any real understanding at all about the post-9/11 political climate. (Honestly, reading all of this has had me mentally defending the Bush administration and the Patriot Act as not being as bad as the policies the Pro-Reg side is enacting. I really don't like having to do that.) All they have accomplished is turning several key superheroes into irredeemable fascists and made every single person who read this piece of crap a little poorer of mind and a lot poorer of wallet.

Between this and Spider-Man: Reign #3, I've actually been thinking about giving up Marvel comics. It's not that Civil War was deeply offensive (like Reign was). It was just really bad, and if this is what is setting up the new status quo for the MU, I don't really know that I want to stick around for that. It's like all the changes they're making to Spidey. Everything's going to be so interconnected now too, that it's going to make it harder to be sellective in my reading. I'm already dropping my last X-Men title as soon as Astonishing ends. I haven't decided yet about New Avengers, but that will largely depend on whether I'm going to continue to read any Spider-Man books after "One Day More." It's hard to imagine me ever giving up Amazing Spider-Man, but right now it's looking likely that that will happen. I'm with Runaways for the long haul, even beyond Whedon's issues if they get a good writer and artist on it; I'll definitely read Young Avengers if that ever comes back; unless they kill off Steve Rodgers, I'll probably stick with Captain America as long as Brubacker does (though it seems like all this Civil War stuff is going to derail the really interesting stuff he was developing prior to all this); but they are going to have to tell some seriously good stories to keep me interested. This just isn't why I read superhero comics. I'll tell you one thing for sure though. I'm not looking forward to the Iron Man movie at all anymore. I'm totally sick of that guy.

Well, my rant is over. How about something more cheerful. I am seriously psyched about the announcement that there is going to be a new Spider-Man cartoon. I'm just bummed that I have to wait until 2008. Also, I hope it doesn't look like the Fantastic Four cartoon that's on the Cartoon Network.or that Iron Man animated movie. Hand drawn animation please.