My brain works in a very unusual way, and one of the unfortunate side effects of that is that once and actor plays Jesus, I can't let it go. In some way, that actor will alwys be Jesus to me, but there have been so many Jesus movies, it's hard to keep them all straight. That is why I have come up with Jesus related nicknames for the various actors who have played Jesus over the years. And since I am at work, and bored, I will share those nicknames with you now. It's just too bad I didn't do this for Easter. It would have been so much more appropriate.
Nickname: Captain Jesus
Actor: Jeffrey Hunter
Film: King of Kings
Explanation: He also played Captain Christopher Pike on Star Trek
Nickname: Jesus the Merciless
Actor: Max von Sydow
Explanation: He also played Ming the Merciless
Nickname: Sexy Jesus
Actor: Willem Dafoe
Explanation: He's the only Jesus I know that had sex. Also, Willem Dafoe can be pretty sexy.
Nickname: Crazy Jesus
Actor: Jeremy Sisto
Film: Jesus
Explanation: If you ever watched Six Feet Under, then it's pretty obvious.
Nickname: Gay Jesus
Actor: Christian Bale
Film: Mary, Mother of Jesus
Explanation: You don't easily forget the sight of Obi Wan Kenobi buggering Jesus.
Nickname: Clay Jesus
Actor: Ralph Fiennes
Film: The Miracle Maker
Explanation: He provided the voice for a claymaion Jesus. It was cheesy and awesome.
Alternative Nickname: Nazi Jesus (there could be many others, but since he only provided the voice for Jesus, I don't think he deserves more than two).
Nickname: Hunky Jesus
Actor: James Caviezel
Explanation: I cannot take credit for this nickname. It comes from a Vanity Fair editorial that, among some very good points about why this film was socially problematic, claimed that Mel Gibson was trying to convert people with his hunk Jesus. (James Caviezel is pretty hot.) It amused the hell out of me, but more than that, it inspired me to go around nicknaming the Jesuses.
So what do you think? Am I missing anyone? Are my nicknames fair and accurate? Let me know.
3 comments:
What about the guy from Jesus Christ Superstar?
I didn't include Ted Neely because as far as I know, he's never been in anything else, so I am never faced with the problem of referring to him as Jesus out of context. Were I ever to have that problem, I would call him Post Card Hating Jesus. Sure Musical Jesus would be the obvious choice, but he really hated those post cards in the scene at the Temple.
"Mmmm, sacrelicious...."
The gospel according to Homer
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